Nurse Humor: Stethoscope Predicts Death

Nurse Humor – Albany NY – The inventor of the isolation stethoscope, Cliff Dirkey, has been court ordered to wear his invention for a full day, document what he hears and report on his findings.

The class-action lawsuit was filed after thousands of nurses and physicians both claimed that they were unable to hear anything with the isolation stethoscope and were only able to chart  “diminished” on their chest auscultation assessments.

“I know I’m supposed to be able to hear crackles and fine rails,” first year Registered Nurse Kim Duggan said. “I learned these sounds in nursing school and I’m ready to chart them. But with this isolation stethoscope all I hear is…um…nothing.”

Dirkey, an astrophysicist with a minor in dog behavior claims he came up with the isolation stethoscope while listening to his dog’s heart. If I pressed hard enough, I could definitely hear something, but then Moose, my English Mastiff, would bark and that’s when it hit me: an isolation stethoscope.

Dirkey’s stethoscope invention was patented and marketed in two separate colors, blue and red. “I’m a Buffalo Bills fan so I figured why not?” he said.

The class action lawsuit claims that Dirkey’s isolation devices are flimsy and do not allow users to hear a thing. Dr. Osio, a Pulmonologist at the University of Albany West stated, “I hear nothing, no lung sounds, no heart, basically all this piece of crap tells me is that all my patients are dead.”

The class action lawsuit also claims that the device allows for an usual amount wax build-up. Kim Seeken, an ICU RN said, “I don’t know how many times I’ve gone into a room, seen that stethoscope hanging from an IV pole, grabbed it and noticed at the last minute there was a big ball of wax on the ear piece…it’s disgusting. Is it night shifts’? Is it the doctors’? Let’s play whose wax ball is it?!”

We here at Next Move, spoke to Mr. Dirkey via Zoom, after his court order to wear the stethoscope. The only thing he had to say was: “I think we just need more colors, and what lung sounds? My dog barks just fine!”

Next Move does not endorse or support the use of isolation stethoscopes.

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